In 2003, I participated in NaNoWriMo for the second year. It was the first year I won, by hitting the 50,000 word mark. My story was about three friends who are kind of bumbling through life and end up slipping through a portal to another dimension. And then they bumble through that. It was, like most stuff I write, pretty silly.
At the time I was learning HTML and I was really into "coding" web pages. So it made sense to make a web page to share my NaNo novel.
It never occurred to me to be embarrassed about what I was writing, even though looking back it was pretty bad. But who cared? The only people really reading it were my online writing buddies, who were also doing NaNo and understood what it was all about.
Even when my ex-boyfriend, to whom I hadn't spoken in a long while, sent me an e-mail saying he'd come across it, I wasn't embarrassed. I was proud that he'd found me at a time when I was doing something as awesome as writing a novel.
Since then, something changed: I became very afraid.
Afraid to write, because what if it's not good enough?
Afraid to share my work, because what it no one likes it or worse, what if no one cares?
Afraid to dedicate myself to something because what if I fail and it was all for nothing?
This fear has been stifling and I'm really tired of it. I want to be braver than that.
I totally believe the adage about courage, that it's not the absence of fear, it's acting in spite of fear. It wasn't brave of me to post my 2003 novel as I wrote it, because I wasn't afraid. Nine years later I am. Even though whatever I produce could be forgiven for its faults because hastily written and unedited is the nature of the whole NaNo thing, it's still scary.
But I'm gonna do it anyway, and then, if it doesn't kill me, see what I can do next.
I love that you're doing this, and I identify with this post a lot. Except, unlike you, I'm still too afraid to post what I write. I'm not just scared of it being no good, I'm also scared that I might not make it to 50,000 words. But just seeing your first blog post is already making me feel more courageous. And ambitious. Because its always helps to know that other people feel this way, too. So thanks for posting this! =)
ReplyDeleteThis is unbelievably awesome! Like Layla said, just reading this post is making me feel more courageous. :D I can't wait to read your awesome NaNoWriMo novel!
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